Darkness

Life is cruel. It throws so many shitty things at us. I know just how cruel life can be and so I have spent most of my life trying not to feel. It has been easier that way. It seemed much easier to live a detached life than to allow the pains to consume me completely. But you know, we as human beings were not meant to live that way. We are supposed to feel and allow those pains to take us on their dark journeys. We are meant to embrace that darkness so that even though it feels like life is taking so much away from us we are able to appreciate all of the good it gives us as well. How would we be able to recognize the beauty of the light if we had never experienced the pain that darkness brings? So eventually I allowed the pains to do their job. I allowed them to mold me, make me stronger and wiser as I navigated my way through this life. I have had many failures, losses, heartaches, and struggles but I have always managed to continue to smile. I often wore that smile as a suit of armor. It was my way of saying “You will not get the best of me” to this world. But sometimes even that smile was hard so I painted it on and refused to let it fade.

I wouldn’t call it a fake smile; it was more of an intentional one. It took hard work and commitment to wear that smile but I put it on every day always wondering if it would become genuine. Then I would have moments every now and again that would take my breath away and my smile was natural, warm, and bright and so I appreciated every single person and every single moment that brought that warmth to my life. Now it seems life is handing me a new obstacle and although I know it will be quite the journey full of its ups and downs, I am not afraid of those struggles one bit. In fact I embrace them because they are leading me to someone truly remarkable. Someone so beautiful I cannot even believe how fortunate I am to have found him. His fragile heart is full of so much beauty, love, and tenderness that it astounds me. How is it that this damaged person before me can be so brave I wonder? Maybe it’s because like me life has always tried to strip him of happiness and all of those pains have made him even stronger. Maybe the darkness that has for so long enveloped his world has made him wise enough to know when the warmth of this light is nearby. I look at him and I can see all of my pains inside of him staring back at me. Its a pretty haunting experience to find someone who might be able to honestly understand what this level of pain feels like. I have gotten used to keeping it all to myself because I am fully aware that most are incapable of handling it. I have found a small number of people who could understand it, but not many have faced it themselves. It is a spectacular feeling to know when you have found that light in the darkness but it’s even more amazing when you realize that you could be that light for another. I am confident in one thing, that we will be close friends for a very long time. Today my message to you is simple. Be that light for someone. Be the one that saturates that darkness with so much tenderness, love, and compassion that the dark can no longer exist in the brightness you bring. If you can do that for another than you are able to say proudly, that you have lived.