I let go

I don't know we are so afraid to live. Maybe its because if we allow ourselves to truly live then the losses will be that much harder. Maybe I can only truly speak for myself on this because I don't know if this is simply my curse or the one all humanity lives with. Maybe I'll never know, but one thing I know for sure is that my inability to let go and live has stifled me my entire life. I have allowed the fear of the unknown keep me from moving forward. I have allowed my desire to live a safe life keep me content but I have yet to live a free life. Many many years ago I was offered that freedom by someone truly special. He was amazing to say the least but I was just not ready to start living. He tried so hard to love me but I kept pushing it away because I didn't think it was possible that anyone could truly love me. I was too aware of how damaged a soul I was. I knew that anyone who tried to love me would eventually see how damaged I was and run away. So I just always beat them to it. It was easier to not let anyone get too close for a long time but looking back I know that he was the one that I should have let in. He offered me a chance to experience freedom, a chance to be truly loved, a chance to become something more than I was. However, I let him go. At the time, I knew I had to but it was painful even then. Somehow its even more painful now because he is gone. 5 years ago today he left this world forever and there is nothing I will ever be able to do to bring him back. He always wished happiness for me. Even the last conversation we had months before his death he told me that I deserved to be loved, that I was remarkable, and that one day when I least expected it, the person I was meant to find would walk in and when that moment happened I would know it. It's five years later and I'm still waiting Joey. But its okay, I know you are right. Maybe its time I get up and I go look for him. The truth is maybe he has been waiting for me.