Free like a wildfire and Crazy like the moon

“You only need one man to love you. But him to love you free like a wildfire, crazy like the moon, always like tomorrow, sudden like an inhale and overcoming like the tides. Only one man and all of this.” 

― C. JoyBell C.

This man I have found is so hard to put into words. And maybe its because there are no words to truly describe just how beautiful, honest, and true he really is. But there is one thing I know for sure. Without a doubt he rocks my world. Yet, he does it in the simplest of ways. It's not fancy dinners or over the top romantic gestures. It isn't elaborate gifts or unnecessary material things. But instead, every night this man is here showing me in the smallest and largest of ways that he is here to stay. That he will be the man I can look to, trust in, and find honest and the purest of love with. The truth is, that's all I have ever really needed. To know that I could let down those guards I have built up. To know that I could let go of all of the fears that come with being vulnerable to another person. To know that there is no reason to doubt what the future might hold. To have a man I could love like crazy and who would set my soul ablaze free like a wildfire. With this man I am now so aware of all of the things I have always needed and wanted and the funny thing is, I had no clue what I really needed until now. It turns out it's him. And so now I am about to turn off my laptop for the night and fall asleep resting in the arms of a man that I love so deeply and when I close my eyes tonight, I'll know one thing with absolute certainty; he loves me just as deeply. For that I thank you baby. :)

Sweetness

Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.

— Louise Erdrich

Sweetness is a part of life. In my opinion there is nothing sweeter though than tasting nothing but bitter apples and then one day finding your first sweet one. Its so much better than all of the past experiences that you savor every bite. You're afraid to eat it too fast but your afraid its sweetness will fade if you wait too long so conflicted you consume it with as much restraint as possible. This person I have found has changed me in so many ways in such a short period of time that it amazes me. I am more free than I think I have ever been in this world and for the first time I am excited to sit by this apple tree and continue to taste as many as I can. Each day with him, each new apple seems to only get sweeter. Sure there are still some bitter apples thrown into the bunch but that's just life. It will always work that way. But every time I think of him there is a sweetness that I can't begin to describe. Its a natural, pure, sweetness that is so unique it makes everything taste that much better. If I am lucky he will continue to come as often as he can and each time he does show me how sweet this life can be. 

WTF Just Happened?

You know sometimes you're walking around minding your own business and then BAM! Life smacks you with something unexpected. Sadly that happens to me on a constant basis but I'm used to all of the smacks being a bad thing. I've grown used to the painful moments so I find myself caught off guard when the good things happen. But today was different, today I jumped. Today I allowed myself to live. It was pretty scary I will admit. But they say big risks come with big rewards. So I took the risk and I allowed myself to plunge into the unknown. I didn't expect much of anything in return. I expected him to run quite honestly. That's what a normal person probably would have done. Thank goodness for me that he is far from normal. Thank goodness for me that I happened to find someone quite extraordinary. Last night we embraced each other and it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. There is nothing more special in this world than to feel love and to feel loved. Its even more rare when you have imagined yourself to be unlovable your entire existence. But last night was one of the top 5 beautiful moments of my life. Last night I found a person who looked at me with passion in his eyes and for the first time I could really see myself. I had no idea that I was this beautiful.

The Journey

                                          

"Life is a journey and if you fall in love with the journey, you will be in love forever." -Peter Hagerty

This journey... I'm not going to lie. I'm pretty excited about it. Not because like most chicks who often get caught up on the end result and where it all will lead but because of where it is right at this very moment. I'm one who delights in those long walks in the rain, strolls along central at 3 am, and drives that have no real destination. I delight in the journey and all of the sights along the way, each moment that builds to another day, and every conversation that slowly reveals just a little bit more. Who knows were anything will lead though? I mean honestly... if someone told you today that the person you're with at this very moment would break your heart terribly 10 years from now would you walk away or wait for the heartbreak? There are a lot of people who would avoid the heartbreak but to those people I would say reconsider. Heartbreak no doubt sucks but what about all of the beauty along the way? I don't need to know what’s around the corner or what is going to happen a year from now. I'm just too excited about the here and now, I'm too focused on the small simple moments, and I'm just more interested in the small delights along the way to really care to worry myself over what will be... So stop over thinking things so much. Stop worrying yourself about tomorrow, next week, or next year. Those days will come they are right around the corner, but if you keep focused on what’s around the corner you are going to fuck up the beauty right in front of you. 

Before and After

After receiving hundreds of emails these last few months I knew I had to finally open up about the transformation I have gone through over this past year. Its only been about 10 months but I know I have already come so far. Last August I was Shumane just a different version from the Shumane I am now. I was still beautiful to all those around me but I was not able to really be me because I was hidden behind 321 pounds. You should be aware that there are many women out there who are much bigger and are fully confident in themselves and carry themselves as sexy beasts each and every day. That however, was not me. I avoided cameras, barely left my house, and with my feet having been broken for quite a while I had gotten used to the seclusion. I loved being around people and I projected plenty of confidence but I rarely looked at myself. I hated feeling like I was unworthy but thats just what I felt. I gave up on myself so many times and so easily that it turns out I was my biggest nemesis. But last November I decided to become my biggest fan and cheerleader and embarked on a journey to lose 160 pounds. When I said it out loud most just sort of gave me the raised eyebrow look like sure Shumane.... whatever you say. Here's some cake.... But 10 months into this journey I have grown so much and I am already close to having lost 190 pounds. Im so close I can taste it. Sitting here having lost 187 pounds thus far, I feel amazing, I look amazing and the smile on my face is genuine. I now look at myself everyday and I smile. Although I look at certain areas and in my mind figure out my plans of attack on how to tone it even further I am happy where I am at this moment. I will never give up on myself again. And thats a promise you can take to the bank Shumane. :)

I’m going to share a message I just sent to a good friend. It has to be the 100th time someone has asked me "how I did it". "What’s the secret?"

You really want the truth? Working out 6 days a week. Hitting the gym hard, working out for up to 6 hours a day. Weight training. Nothing but protein shakes and steamed fish and veggies. Counting the calories so I don’t go over. Lots of sweat. Lots of ice packs. Lots of heat pads. Pulled muscles but working through the pain anyway... it’s been hard as hell, but every day I get up and I do it because I know I can’t stop until I finish. I work out in the middle of the night if I run out of time during the day. It’s not going to bed until the workout is done, no excuses, no I’ll just make it up tomorrow bs. Just getting up and knowing that failing yourself is not an option. You can do it though. You just have to want it. Until I truly wanted it... nothing changed. I dieted for years. I just didn’t want it bad enough until 10 months ago.

I hope that’s the answer you guys are looking for :)

Living

You can be the most beautiful person in the world and everybody sees light and rainbows when they look at you, but if you yourself don't know it, all of that doesn't even matter. Every second that you spend on doubting your worth, every moment that you use to criticize yourself; is a second of your life wasted, is a moment of your life thrown away. It's not like you have forever, so don't waste any of your seconds, don't throw even one of your moments away.
— C. JoyBell C.

Today it dawns on me just how much time ive wasted. I have doubted myself at every turn, allowed the things others say to keep me from truly reaching for the things I deserve in life, and all of that has meant I have thrown away a lot of moments I’ll never be able to get back. This last year though it has changed. I don’t want to watch those moments pass me by any longer. What I know for sure is that although all of those moments and beauty are gone and I’ll never be able to get them back, I am fully aware that its up to me what happens from this moment on. Truly living means taking every opportunity that comes your way even if it is scary. It means standing your ground instead of running. It means taking risks and no matter what happens good or bad knowing that you put yourself out there. Its going to mean heart breaks, and pain, and hopefully a whole of beauty as well. 

Believe

Believe in the power of this day,

Believe in the beauty of your smile.

Believe in the strength of your soul,

Believe in the resilience of your heart.

Believe in the magic of this moment,

Believe in the purpose of your life.

Believe, for they are all true.

~Doe Zantamata

There are times I'm too busy to think of all the beauty around me. However, usually when that happens, I stop. I stop and take a minute to ingest it all. I know I'm new to all of this belief crap, but it turns out I'm human like everyone else. Yes I have been jaded and hardened by this life. Pain tends to do that to an individual. But it's only been in the last year that I have truly started to see what my life really is. It's not about the past or the horrible things that have happened along the way... It's about the things yet to come. So this weekend I am going to cleanse myself of the past. I'm going to simply let go. I'm going to look at all those moments, ingest them one last time and then I'm going to smile and move forward. None of those things will never define my worth to me again. To any of you reading this who are aware of my past, I can't stop you from allowing it to define me in your mind, but I'm choosing to stop it in my own. If we ever cross paths and you choose to throw it in my face, I'm just going to smile and walk away. Your words aren't worth my time and neither are your actions towards me. Remember this one thing.... I was a little girl. I was powerless and if you choose to see me as that same powerless and frightened little girl then you are missing out on the beautiful woman I am becoming. I'm not that person and I never truly was... You just forced me to believe I was. But I believe in my beauty. I believe in my resilience. And for once I'm believing in my purpose. So fuck you. :)